Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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