Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..