Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.