either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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