Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
