Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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