Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
