Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
