oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
