i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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