Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
