they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
