Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
