my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
