Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
