dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How does one acquire holy water?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
