im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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