Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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