Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
