A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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