In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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