oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
