The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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