my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
