i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
