Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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