I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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