I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
