I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You are a booty call, not a friend.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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