how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
