Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i out mim tonsoeep
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