I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
