A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
