youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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