I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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