If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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