i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just gargled with NyQuil
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