I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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