i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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