When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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