i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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