At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
