Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
