just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
