Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
