I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
