i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
