If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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