3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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