At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
