She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
