so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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