1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
