Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize