I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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