She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
