can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
