Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
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