matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet