We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
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I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death