Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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