How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.