Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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