he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
