I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
