Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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