did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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