He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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