Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
