So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
